Crashed

Yesterday was epically awful, yet this is just too good a story to pass up. It all started Monday evening. Instead of closing at work, as I usually do, I was schedualed to clock out at 7. This meant that I could, theoretically, make the 8:00 PM workout class at Kosama instead of what I usually do when I have to work evenings:get up at 5:30 AM and go to the 6:15 AM class. Me, being the cocky shit you all know and love, decided to go for it. After all, I'd get a whole EXTRA HOUR of sleep. No downside, right?

Well, the workout was...odd. The classes I usually attend have about 15-20 other people there. The 8:00, however, is the last class of the day.

There was one other guy there.

He seemed like a pretty decent guy, until we started the workout. Mondays are Kettlebell exercises. Basically, a big weight with a handle that you haul around. Unfortunately, OtherDude was a grunter. But not just any grunter, oh no, he was KING of the grunters. Every time he moved a weight, he released a sound that I can only liken to that of a zebra giving birth. A truly awful soundtrack.

Anyways...I went back to my brother's house & watched the end of the Bears-Packers game.(Da Bears) After this, I decided to hit the hay. Well, I sleep in the basement, which is also the domain of my brother's two basset hounds, Moke and Bruce. Moke went staight to sleep, but Bruce kept me up 'til 1 AM. I'm not sure what you'd call it, it wasn't howling, nor was it growling. More like grumbling. Very loud grumbling.

Well, I get up at 5:30 to work out and quickly realize how tired I am. I do some quick math in my head: it's only been 9 hours since I got out of Monday's workout. I consider skipping, but decide against it, seeing how this is my only opportunity to workout today since I'm working 4-close at Fareway. Grimly, I cowboy up and get through the workout.

Flash forward six hours. It's the tail end of my Calculus class & I'm having trouble staying concious. As if understanding Implicit Differentation wasn't hard enough, I was now sleepwalking through it. I just need a bite to eat, I think to myself. After getting out of there and into the neighborhood Quiznos, I realize that I'm feeling a little better, so I decide to pick up a book that came out that day.

At Barnes & Noble's, it's quickly becoming apparent that this was a bad idea. I can barely hold my eyes open, let alone walk in a straight line. Still, I try to keep going. After finding the book I was after, I tried to read the back. It was at this time when I realized that I was incapable of seeing straight. This wasn't good. I work in a Meat Dept, there are knives. I currently have the motor functions of a drunken orangutan. Trying to jump start my brain, I whacked my forehead with the hardcover text in my hands. I didn't feel anything. I was now scared. I need to sit down to think, so I quickly find the nearest sitting instrument (footstool) and text my brother for guidance.

Alas, as it is in most of my distressing moments, Alex was out being an adult, aka working. I sat for 4 more minutes before finally calling work & asking for a sick day. After hearing my condition, they were all to happy to oblige. I then paid for the book and went home. Upon my arrival, my mother was just finishing up her shift of babysitting for my nephew. I told her my story, and then was informed that I would have to look after lil' Casey until my sister-in-law Karen got home in 15 minutes. Let me be clear in saying that in all honesty, I was not up to the task. But I went ahead and did it anyway, because I'm a good person. For reals.

Those 15 minutes seemed like hours. Casey was pretty drowsy too, but still had a lot of zip in him. To alleviate this (and stay awake) I got one of his music toys out. He played on one side, working out excess energy. I was on the other, hoping the bright lights would keep me awake. I noticed that my pocket was shaking. Alex had replied to my earlier text where I described what I was going through. My big brother's advice? "Sounds like you need to get off the weed. Get some sleep." Finally, Karen got home & took him off my hands. I gave her the Cliff Notes version of what you just read, and she gave me a stunned look. "Um, go to bed." was her advice. I waited until she and Casey left (she was going to workout, he was getting dropped off at her parents) before going down to the basement.

I then passed out for the next four hours.

I awoke at a quarter to nine. Everything was dark. Better yet, I didn't remember anything from earlier. I'm pretty sure I forgot my name, or where I was. Deciding to look for clues to such conundrums, I stumbled up the stairs to talk to Alex and Karen, make funny faces at Casey, and eat dinner. I then returned to my dungeon and slept for the next six or so hours.

That was probably the worst day I've had in a long time. And to think, this all started so I could get one more hour of sleep so I could be more alert and awake.

Life, circa NOW

Hey. Sup? I bet that you've all been pretty busy. So have I. If you're wondering what's with the whole laid back thing, it's 1:21 am right now. Anywho...

I'm thinking of going by Andrew, not Andy. Thought I'd let you know. Why? Because, for the first time in my life, I've found myself in a world where I can completely define myself to complete strangers. This has been both terrifying and hilarious, as the people in my Calculus class now think I'm a boy genius. That's pretty sweet, I gotta admit.

Still, I miss the old world of High School. Simply put, the world gets lonely without familiar faces out there. I now have friends on both coasts and in various stages of the military. It's...surreal. I'm growing up. We all are. I miss everyone from my graduating class. And (don't you ever tell them this, I will deny it) I even miss all the underclassmen.

Speaking of which, I recently learned that, apparently, I was POPULAR in high school. Uh, what? When was this? I guess that I got along with everyone ok, but I never saw myself as one of the Elite. Maybe that's why I was *POPULAR*.

Recently, I thought about what I wanted to do with my life before I died. Here's what I came up with:

-Write at least 2 books, one of short stories, and one novel.
-Save a life.
-Make a million dollars.
-Write that AcDec movie screenplay.
-Have a week long party on a private island.
-Always be able to talk to my friends.
-Find "the one."
-Keep all my limbs attached to my body.

What do you want to do? If you're one of the four people who have either chosen of your own free will to read this, or if you were coerced into it by me, leave a comment. What do you want to do?

Favorite Summer Pastime

Ah, summer. The birds are chirping, the flowers have bloomed, and the days are long and sunny. What a great time to run about, with the wind in your hair, not a care in the world. Many people like to go out and relish in the pleasent outdoors. Personally, I try to avoid all of that, which is why I love going to the movies.

This year, there are two summer blockbusters I can't wait for. The first one comes out next week,and its a comic book adaptation. Kick-Ass (who just got in trouble for cursing on their blog? I did), tells the story of four regular people, three of them kids, who go out to become superheroes in the real world. There seems to be a bit of a learning curve for Red Mist and the titular hero, however, as they realize that its not all fun and games. The part of the film I can't wait for is seeing Hit-Girl, a nine year old girl, absolutely tearing the criminal underbelly apart. Sickeningly violent and hilarious.

What makes the movie really appealing to me is its origin. Based of a comic miniseries of the same name, it was written by Mark Millar, whose other credits include "Wanted"(epically vulger and violent comic(got turned into a movie that toned it down a ton(Oh, and I can do parenthesis in parenthesis, according to math))), "The Ultimates"(a reimagining of Marvel superheroes circa 2002), and a ton of related nerdiness. He is especially known for his off the wall ideas, including one interview where he claimed that he might quit his job at Marvel to write the next Superman movie and cast the guy who played Jesus in "Passion" as Superman. Also, he has such a reputation in Hollywood that the film rights for KA were sold before the comic was out on the market.

The other movie is highly anticipated by almost everyone. Iron Man 2 is a tense political action drama where billionaire Tony Stark runs for Prime Minister of Canada, upsetting his close friend Captain America. Just kidding. In this movie, Tony upgrades the suit, recruits his best friend Jim Rhodes, and hires super awesome fighting hot chick bodyguard Black Widow. Then they all go and punch this Russian convict dude in the face. I know that that's a bit over simplified, but its a summer blockbuster! Just turn off your brains and enjoy. (Oh, and there's a suitcase-suit. It's awesome.)

Well, unless some more movies come out, my summers gonna be boring. I guess that I'm going to have to get a job and build up some money. Then I'm going to Minnesota to gamble. God, its good to be 18!

What I'll Do...

It's a question that I'm getting a little sick of. "So, Andrew, what will you be up to after High School?" Sometimes I give a good answer, other times not so much. The main thing that bothers me is that there are so many things to do. Often I feel like I'm in a hallway with thousands of open doors that I can choose from, but if I walk through one, the rest all close forever. So in my quest for people to understand my dilemma and because I can't wax philosophically for five paragraphs, here is the general plan.

#1. Money, Money
Now this may seem petty, but I want some money. The simple freedom of having the surplus is appealing, and I always wanted an island in the South Pacific. The most practical way to earn is too work, and that seems doable. I know that people reading this are all like "Say what?", but I can work very hard in short bursts when I get motivated. How do you think I passed Physics... and Calculus... and became and Eagle Scout?

#2. Would you like to Sample my Wares?
When I have the necessary capital, I need to spend it. After purchasing that island, I'd like to think that I'd invest in a business. Which brings me to my next stage of operations: Brewing! Yes, that's right, we'll have a vineyard and a hopsyard and all sorts of stuff. We'll even make sparkling grape juice, mostly cause I love that stuff. I'd keep a keg of it on hand all the time.

#3 A New Market
After securing the adult market with Indigo Distilleries Co., I'd have to branch my business out into the most profitable of markets: children. You may ask how I plan to do this. Simple, let me ask you, have you heard of Bouncy Houses? I'm gonna take it to the next level: Cookie Castles. Made from chocolate chip bricks and using oreo cream for mortar, you can be the lord of your own dessert fort surrounded by a moat of healthy 1% milk. Doesn't get anymore American than that.

#4 Chillax
Well, I think that it's safe to say that my plans are ironclad. After a few years of hard work, I'd settle down with my good friends and a few family members on that island at the ripe old age of 26. Let some young up-and-comer run the day-to-day, as long as I hold all the stock. What could possibly go wrong?

Masks and Medals

Ah, winter. The season of the great Iowa sport: wrestling. The only sport that I compete in anymore(banned from the bowling alley), I've enjoyed it for the last three years, even though I never understood why I had to lose all the weight and work out in a season that is decidedly not swimsuit friendly. Oh well, the spandex makes up for it. One problem that I always encounter is that I have nothing to hold my interest until summer. That changed this year, as I'm devoted to TWO seperate activities. And no, neither is Glee club.(BTW, sorry about that misguided opening. You'll have to go somewhere else for sweaty men grappling.)

The first activity is our Spring Play. Usually we do bigger, more "name brand" plays, but this year we opted to do a smaller play that captured the hearts of all involved. It's called "Alice in Wonderland". Maybe you've heard of it. In such a large production, I was able to snag the role of the White Rabbit, the equivilent of the leading male role. After I finished paying off the director, I studiously studied my lines.

Two months later, I have most of my lines down, and hardly have to look at my script anymore. I also learned that "leading male role" meant "you're the guy who runs in at the end of scenes and gets us to the next, but don't worry, you can have all the extra lines whenever we eliminate a character." Also, I got my bunny ears, but the hat for them is too small. Oh well, can't win them all. The rest of the cast is just fabulous, especially Carrie, who is Alice, and Ben, who portrays of the King of Hearts is plain hilarity.

The second activity is deceptively fun: Academic Decathalon. Yeah, I know you peeps are all like "Nun-uh!", "Nerd!", and "If it's so fun why isn't on ESPN?". First of all, check the Ocho, and secondly, IS TOO! The main thing that makes it fun is the people, and you'd be surprised how fun us quote/unquote "Nerds!" are.(And yes, I know that using the quotes after saying quote/unquote is redundant. Learned it in AcDec, suckers. It's called a pop quiz.) From the unusual practices to the strange glory of sweeping the awards, AcDec is extremly fun.

Now that we're going to state, I'm uping my game. I have read over 50 pages on the French Revolution, and listened to music from that time period. While this may be boring, the pre-competition will be entertaining, as we are bringing Super Smash Bros. Melee to the Motel with us (In case you're wondering, I'm Captain Falcon.). My goal this year is to win at least one gold medal, so wish me luck in my noble quest!

That Most Dreded Of Holidays...

Every Febuary, couples flock to movies, French restaurants, and bedrooms across the nation. Why? If you said "because the groundhog saw its shadow?", go sit in the corner until you smarten up. No, my friends, I'm speaking of the holiday men dred and women love: Valentine's Day. (That's right, a Valentine's post. Let's do this)

Not to brag or anything, but I've been single for a long, long time. This doesn't get me down all the time, but Valentine's is that magic bullet of depression. It wasn't too bad when I was younger, as us schoolmates would trade Ninja Turtle cards and Jolly Ranchers, but I don't get those anymore. Now I get to stay home while my parents go out to dinner at Pizza Hut (or something, I don't know).

The "magic" of Valentine's seeps into everything for weeks. The theatres are jam packed with romantic comedies, tv shows all air the one episode of two people falling in love, and I have to see a flying baby every twelve seconds. Not the coolest holiday. Every year, all I hear from my friends (fellow noncommitters) is how boring the day is, while I'm trying to work up the courage to see if that cute girl down the hall is single.

Now, I'll admit that I've never had a Valentine's "moment", but I have to question the validity of this holiday. First of all, the holiday is at the tail end of winter (season of death in the whole seasons of your life metaphor!), not exactly the most romantic time. The entire thing has been commercialized to death, to the point where its almost as bad as Christmas. And even though people will say I'm just crabby/lonly, I'll go on record as saying that the holiday is so sweet that every year I wonder if I'm going to get diabetes.

I guess that this year will be like the rest, seeing how I have no great romance(at the moment, wink-wink). I look forward to enjoying a night at home with my trusty Playstaiton, waiting for the day to end. Ladies, if you want to prove me wrong, drop me a line. I've got a gift card to the movies burning a hole in my pocket.
(Author's Note: At time of this writing, I'm sitting in the waiting room while my nephew Casey Roberto is being born. Let's hope he doesn't grow as crass as his uncle. And if Kara's reading this, I know it's not match.com, just role with it.)

Snow Day

So, with all the snow days lately, I thought I'd talk about my favorite this year. Why this year? Because that, for the most part, I was sick during the rest of them. Also, this one's fresh, and it really was pretty fun.

My day started at seven. I awoke to find that I had been blessed with a 2 hour delay. After realizing this, I stopped getting breakfast ready and returned to my slumber. For about twenty minutes. My Mom nearly knocked down my door and asked why I was sleeping. I explained the delay to her in various half-awake grumbles, to which she replied, "Well get up! There's no use in just going back to bed!" After I assured her I would, she left me to my own.

Half an hour later, after being rudely reawakened, I got ready for my day. Exactly after I finished my Cap'n Crunch, a brilliant red bar flashed on the TV screen, announcing that I didn't have school. I told my Mom about this triumphantly(she laughed and thought I was lying) and promptly returned to bed.

Around eleven, my Dad and I both woke up and got ready for work outside. So began the great winter dress up! First came the insulated Carhart overalls, than a pair of work boots that Santa would be proud of. After donning the matching Carhart work coat, I topped the piece off with a hardy pair of insulated leather gloves. Thinking I was ready for anything, I walked outside and began my chores. One hour later, I learned that a ski mask would be nice and that my gloves weren't waterproof. It was fine though, as my gloves froze and my face went numb.

After all the obligitory chores, only one task remained: plowing the driveway. I know that for all the city kids reading this, big trucks come by and accomplish this for you. Not us hicks, however, we had to start the tractor, drive it into the pasture, and hook it to a large plow buried beneath snow drifts. Tough, but we handled it. As I walked back to the house, I came upon a large snow drift, taller than myself(I'm 5'8", 210 for all the ladies out there). Looking down at my armor of warmth, I figured "why not?" and crashed through the drift in a manner truly reminicint of the Incredible Hulk. A great way to end the day(until all the snow melted off in my bed), I collapsed into my Lazy Boy and enjoyed the last few hours watching one of my favorite movies(Disney's Hercules. Seriously, it's a good movie!) when I saw that tomorrow was a snow day too. I groaned and got ready to do it all again in the morning.